More Like Lace

The sweetest hearts are laid aside
Told to wait their turn for a while
As time exposes every lie
You looked my way and I knew why

It doesn't have to be this way
More like forever than just today
Less like leather more like lace

Three words from a poisoned well
Tried to swallow, couldn't keep them down
Never spoken till tonight
and both you and I know why

It doesn't have to be this way
More like forever than just today
Less like leather more like lace

There's more than just hope to hope for
This love is making me tired
There's more than just hope to hope for
This love is dragging me down

With the morning, with the light
I'll uncover the words I couldn't find
I'll want to make everything all right
I'll look at you and you'll know why

He Is My Plan A, B, & C

"What Are You Gonna Do Now?"

Probably the most frequent question I have encountered in the past couple of months. The question can come from curiosity, concern, or just some sort of polite obligation to carry on conversation. In any account the question, at least in my case, has no definitive answer. The bottom line is I have no idea what I will be doing or where I will be living. 

I’m currently applying for jobs and weighing my options. There’s no specific job or place in particular that I am dead set on going. And while I feel pressure from the norms of society to “have a plan” and “to make things happen”, I find the more I genuinely just want to be in the job and environment that Christ wants me to be in.

If I have learned anything during my extended stay in college it is that God opens doors and answer prayers (in His timing) in an unbelievable way when we sincerely seek Him and acknowledge Him in our time of need.

Christ has proven Himself over and over in my life the last few years. He provided incredible and unbelievable living arrangements with great roommates and ridiculously affordable rent. (Thanks Laura Bolles, Sarah Pickard, Shelby Winthrop, and Catherine Boubel) He also opened doors within the School of Social Work so that I could finish 7 months early and answered little prayers along the way about health and employment. God has always provided and has been faithful to love and care for me. Blessings I could not have imagined, created, or constructed on my own.

So it is when I am overwhelmed while applying, frustrated while waiting on responses, or embarrassed when I have no answer for this simple question that I am reminded that my life is in far better hands than my own.

I guess the answer is I don’t know what I am going to be doing, but God does know and His thoughts are not my thoughts and His ways are far above mine. (Isaiah 55:8)

 He is my plan A, B, & C. 

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters, wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior"

Oceans (Where Feet May Fail) - Hillsong United

I Shall Not Want

Someone asked me once what I would want if I could have anything and I had a hard time coming up with a list of anything that in my heart I really wanted. I am the same way at Christmas time. God has blessed me with a roof over my head and generally the things that I need or want within reason. But there are a couple of things, that aren’t things at all, that I want fiercely. 

1. Love

            Okay, let’s just get it out there. Yes. Love. I’m a hopeless romantic. Love stories, love songs, and books about love are of great interest to me. So as a young adult, (does 25 still count as young adult) I’m watching a good portion of my friends “falling in love” and “settling down” and thinking; “what the heck, I want that” and then usually again a couple minutes later and a little more pathetic “I really really want that.”  I feel like that last sentence makes me look lame, but alas it’s true. And I’m fairly certain I’m no where near the only one. Love isn’t a bad thing, but I know for myself when it becomes my upmost desire and what I long for, I usually feel emptier than ever. In a book called the Four Loves C.S. Lewis talks about the different kinds of love and how they are not to be worshiped above the Creator.

Even for their own sakes the loves must submit to be second things if they are to remain the things they want to be. In this yoke lies their true freedom; they "are taller when they bow” --- C.S. Lewis

2. Adventure

            Every time I watch the Lord of the Rings it makes me want to change my name to something weird (Arwen) and go hang out with Gandolf the White. There is so much adventure and excitement that I want to feel in my own life. I read a lot and I enjoy movies that in no way help my wanderlust. I have a desire to see the world and have promised to one-day see Ireland in all its green glory. But no matter how much I love to travel and I love to be busy and to go to new places there always comes a point in my journey where in my heart I long for home. The problem is within days or maybe even hours I’m ready to go again. It’s a vicious cycle.

“If I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world.” ― C.S. Lewis

3. Success

            I try not to be too jealous of people who can do really cool things that I cannot do. I know that everyone has there own gifts and abilities and I have learned that success is not necessarily measured the same for everyone. Recently I submitted some work for possible publication in a journal and it was turned down. Another person that I know of had submitted work that was accepted and upon this realization my heart broke a little as feelings of inadequacy tried to bury themselves inside me. I had to ignore the lie from the evil one that my gift was of no importance and would never be as effective as an artist or performer. Because at the end of the day I know that success is not measured the same for every man and that success in itself cannot hold the weight or place that is meant for God. The bottom line is if you reach ten thousand people or only reach one, you are still treasured and loved by the most High God. 

Then I saw that all toil and all skill in work come from a man’s envy of his neighbor. This also is vanity and a striving after wind. Ecclesiastes 4:4

This is my silly little list of wants. None of which I believe God is angry with me for having. In fact I think he planted the tiny seed of desire in my heart for each. The problem is sometimes I get so focused on my wants that I forget the planter of the seed. Tonight I saw this quote,

"Of anything you could ever want, nothing could even remotely compare to God giving you himself." 

It broke my heart.

And then. It mended it.

Immediately scriptures flooded my heart filling in the holes that I had dug in my anxiousness and discontentment. Promises He had made me. Specifically a love that says, “I am His and He is mine” and the stories of a Savior who traveled with friends and saw the world and many adventures. Who successfully conquered death and whose story is still being told thousands of years later. His name will ring into eternity. Everything I want for myself is found in my Savior. And He shares it all with me; love, adventure, and success.

Near To Me

When I am in pieces

In many or in few

When I am lonely

In the falling through

When I am undone

My Finisher, You prove

You are so near to me

"You are so near to me.

The very breath I breathe.

The end of all my need.

 My God, You are so near to me."

When I am unfaithful

With all my affections

When I am careless

With all Your provision

When I am loved

Despite my imperfections

You are so near to me

"You are so near to me.

The very breath I breathe.

The end of all my need.

 My God, You are so near to me."

In every circumstance

In every situation

In every casualty

Of casual relation

In my mended heart

I find this confirmation  

You are so near to me

My Psalm

In my deepest despair
As my cisterns leak
Your grace fills up my heart
Your grace fills all my need

What love is this
None I can compare
Each day before me known
Each burden born You bare

Second-hand and unwanted
I find solace in Your letter
Where You have called me joy
And promised I am treasured

As change is sure and set to come
In no occasion my hope will sever
Of Your grace and love and promise
My psalm will be forever.

Anything Could Happen

I remember the year my mom and her two sisters began comprising this collection of writings of my Aunt Karen’s that they had found years ago after she died. They were organizing, printing, and binding them all together so that my grandma would have them. As they were compiling this little collection of writings I remember reading some of them and imagining what life was like for her. I had never heard her voice or seen her in person but through her writing I felt like I knew her.

Around the age of 7 or 8 I began to write poems. For me writing was deeply personal and a way to allow myself to be vulnerable and like my Aunt I would hide them away and not show anyone. I didn’t think that neither I nor anyone else would benefit from sharing my work. Most of those first poems were either thrown away or lost, but I kept writing through high school.

In college, as I was trying to figure out who I was and what I was about, Jesus captivated my heart. It wasn’t an overnight experience. It was years and years of Him faithfully holding my hand. I had long professed His name, but I don’t think it was until college that I really loved Him. As I learned to let Him love me, I started to learn how to love who He created me to be. I also started learning how to use the gifts He had given me despite my insecurities and fears. “Perfect love casts out fear” and His perfect love enabled me to let go of my worries, allow myself to be vulnerable, and share my work with others. I started sharing my work with friends, and then started posting some as Facebook notes, and then I decided to start a blog. These may seem like small inconsequential steps but I’m so thankful for them and for Him leading me a little at a time. Stretching me out of my comfort zone and holding me securely as I move forward. God is good.

A year ago I took another small step and submitted some of my work for a local magazine and into a national contest. I never really heard back from the magazine and in October I was notified that my work hadn’t been chosen in the contest and I was pretty discouraged. The enemy really pressed me and I struggled this last fall to write.

Over the holiday break I was inspired to write a children’s book based on two of my friends. I thought to myself, “if I could really do this for a living it would be a dream”. I was hesitant to start and was fighting doubt, but I felt the love and encouragement of the Holy Spirit.  I was reminded that what I do doesn’t define me but who I belong to does. And all the pressure was lifted. I wrote the children’s book and I love it.

About two weeks ago I received an email from the magazine I had submitted some of my work to almost a year ago. They were notifying me that they wanted to use ‘Arise, My Love’ for their upcoming issue coming out tomorrow! I am so excited! The thought of my writing being published is something I never would have thought could happen at the age of 8, but I’m starting to believe that “anything could happen”. (Shout out Dala!!!)

I am also excited that they chose ‘Arise, My Love’ because it is based on one of my favorite passages in Song of Solomon chapter 2:

My beloved speaks and says to me:

“Arise, my love, my beautiful one,

and come away,

for behold, the winter is past;

the rain is over and gone.

        (Song of Solomon 2:10-11 ESV)

The Lord has been so good to me and I am so thankful for Him pursuing me. For Him pushing me to trust Him and for Him reminding me constantly of His love and faithfulness. I am thankful to my friends and family who are so supportive and encourage me when I’m doubtful. And I am thankful for my Aunt Karen who never knew me, but has inspired me and influenced me to pursue something deeper than shallow water both in my life and in my writing. 

Wishing Well

Pick yourself up out of that wishing well
If you want something done you have to do it yourself
Pennies are worthless all watered down
But being rich itself is not really wealth

Wading further down and all you really get
Is a little deeper and a whole lot wet
You're digging to find treasure like gold
But what you really want this pool doesn't hold

You won't find the things that make you shine
In shallow pools of nickels and dimes
Listen for what really calls you back home
The sweet little song that's always been your own

Don't forget the ones that first loved you
Your mama and daddy and Jesus too
The ones from before that truly care
They'll be the ones that will stick around

The new and the shiny are deceptive and fast
But the known and true will do you the best
What is pretty right now will soon be old
The tried is to be trusted, so I've been told

It's a hard lesson learned it's a small test
Finding your dreams and keeping yourself
Don't get all you want at the cost of all you have
And always remember where you started at

Penny Lane

Oh Penny Lane, Your hearts been stole away

By a road that calls You home  

You see the best in all things

You love and You love well, but in time all Your own

And at the end of the day, Oh Penny Lane You’re all alone

Winter gives way to Spring

Spring escorts the Sun

Safe inside this bus we hide

And time she dances on

Life stands still for no one

Like the wheels that turn below

Both inside and out; destination still unknown

Oh Penny Lane, Your hearts been stole away

By a road that calls You home  

You see the best in all things

You love and You love well, but in time all Your own

And at the end of the day, Oh Penny Lane You’re all alone

Look and see Yourself

The way that others see

Your spirit, Your soul, Your light

Your hearts own melody

Every desire every need

Every part of who You are

Was created for more than what You settle for

Oh Penny Lane, Your hearts been stole away

By a road that calls You home  

You see the best in all things

You love and You love well, by no choice of your own 

And at the end of the day You’ll see You never were alone.