The Struggle

My God has blessed me with some friends who really know my heart well. We in many ways are kindred spirits. So it comes as no surprise to me that when I decided to start calling the moments in my life, where I suddenly long for a love of my own, “The Struggle” one of my very best friends immediately agreed and knew exactly what I meant.

While The Struggle seems so personal and unique to me in my heart, I know that at my age and amongst my friends it is certainly not quarantined to one person. It is more of an epidemic that has greatly infected our age bracket. I don’t commonly share these thoughts and feelings to everyone. In fact, if this were in person I would fumble for words and dodge the issue out of insecurity or embarrassment. But this needs to be said because we are all walking around ill just waiting for the destructive moment in which our ailment will be brought to light. The moment where we will hurt others or ourselves out of desire to fill a need. (Walking Dead reference: Everyone is infected and one fatal mistake will reveal outwardly what has been within us this whole time)

The Struggle affects our mind, body, and soul and the pressure to immediately fill the need will cause us many times to make poor choices and settle for being treated far less than what God wants for us. We feel the pinprick in our soul for intimacy and we settle for the physical or we fail to guard our hearts. We feel the pinprick in our mind to be heard and known and we talk about each other and ourselves with no filter, no love, and with no discretion. We feel the pinprick on our skin to be touched and to just feel another person and we use each other or allow ourselves to be used.

            Most of us are just trying to survive and we all attack The Struggle differently. Some of us face The Struggle alone. We don’t talk about it and we may even pretend it’s not there as we jump around from person to person or use our friends to fill the voids in our heart. Some of us are so consumed by The Struggle that our focus cannot be shifted to Gods plan, people, or purpose. We have tunnel vision, but knowing the greater purpose and life beyond the tunnel would be far more satisfying. And then some of us travel in packs. We face the struggle together trying to help, protect, and guard each other but sometimes this leads to a dependence on the created rather than the creator.

            For me The Struggle comes and it goes. I feel it rising inside of me and I have to brace myself and remind myself who God is to me, in me, and through me. What He has done and what He will do. That He is sufficient and He is satisfying. I try to completely cover myself in who Jesus is and submerse myself into His deep love. He is the source and if I want love I want the source of love. I do not want to settle for something or someone whose love does not lead me back to Jesus. And in the moments that I choose something other than the above I put the full weight of my expectations and needs on the people around me. People who were not made to and who cannot carry that load. The only comfort and support to be found in The Struggle is in Jesus. The One who has overcome. The God we were created for and the only Love that will fully satisfy. 

            I am thankful for a Savior that in every way was tempted and tried and had victory over it all. In this I am reminded that there is hope and victory in Jesus. He has overcome. He is before all things and to Him are all things.

            Let me leave you with this. I know that winter is coming and with it the blues and the longing for someone to spend the upcoming special holidays with. But guard your heart and your mind so that you will not be hurt or hurt anyone else. After all the kind of love your heart is really longing for is freely given by a beautiful and relentless God. Song of Solomon 8:6-7 says,

“Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm, for love is strong as death, jealousy is fierce as the grave. Its flashes are flashes of fire, the very flame of the LORD. Many waters cannot quench love, neither can floods drown it. If a man offered for love all the wealth of his house, he would be utterly despised.”

I Will Love You Then

When the hollow is alone

When dust to dust derives from bone

When sparrows sing familiar songs

I will love You then.

When willows weep openly

When long and lost finally meet

When being known is bittersweet

I will love You then

When greater fears are given life

When greater joy is birthed from strife

When a trusted tongue bares a lie

I will love You then

When tears and pain finally cease

When haste is called but listens least

When youthful hearts refuse to beat

I will love You then

When sleep comes to take away

When wearily the last pipers paid

When all that is promised is today

I will love You then

Prompt Writing

Hey Everyone! Recently I have been looking at several websites for writer's and many of them have weekly writing prompts to help spur creativity and generate ideas for writing that might not come so natural. I decided to give one a try and posted my response on writers digest. It was my first try and so I thought I would share it with you all as well. Below is the prompt followed by what I was able to come up with. 

You’re at the doctor’s office for a regular check up when the doctor suggests you get a flu shot as well. You hate shots, so you try to come up with the most outlandish excuse as to why you can’t get one. Start your story with “You’re not going to believe this, but … ” and end it with “And that’s why I can’t get a flu shot today.” (500 words or less)

“You’re not going to believe this, but … ” As the words flew from my lips, my mind took a time out just long enough to be distracted by the heavy bass beat of my thudding heart. At thirty-eight years old, with a beard that would put to shame some of the founding fathers, I was afraid of needles. It was a fear that I had successfully hidden from almost everyone and as I looked at the face of Dr. Jones, I knew it was a fear that I could not publicize now.

         I was digging up a lie from somewhere deep inside when there was a quite but rapid knock at the door that brought me back to the heavily wall papered examination room. An older nurse barely pushing five feet cracked the door just enough to stick in her face and slightly blue tinted hair.

         “Excuse me Dr. Jones, I am so sorry Sir, but can you step outside for a moment?” Dr. Jones nodded a quiet yes, but his facial expression seemed pained. He wasn’t the most pleasant man and seemed to not like surprises, or at least not to like appointment interruptions.

         “Charles, I am sorry for the inconvenience. I will be back as soon as possible.” The Dr. swiftly stood up from his backless stool and walked briskly out the door leaving behind him the scheming mind of a man scared of a simple syringe. As seconds ticked by, each one louder than the last, my anxiety grew and manifested itself into little piles of paper torn from the sheet that was meant to protect the examination table.

         I’d just about decided to leave without explanation, and with no preventative flu shot, when the door opened and in waltzed the doctor once more. I knew that this was my chance to talk my way out of the sharp pointed spike that was determined to penetrate my arm. In a split second I decided to go with one of my go to excuses. I had the speech prepared and was poised to give a convincing soliloquy when the Dr. looked at me with concern.

“Charles, I’m sorry but it seems like we’ll have to schedule you another appointment for another time.” Those words stopped everything around me and I intently waited for him to continue. “It seems the flu is making its rounds quickly this year and we were a little underprepared.” Hope begins to build now and I realize I am holding my breath. “We’re out of the flu vaccine and the next shipment won’t be in until after next week.”   

As I left the examination room and parted ways with the doctor I decided to test my luck and walked right pass the front desk and my chance to reschedule for another day. I was feeling a little lucky and I decided to take my chances and see who would catch me first, if at all, the needle or the bug?

I open the door to my car and smile overhearing another free man’s explanation of his exoneration from the stick. I turn in time to see the little one thirty year’s my junior exclaim, “And that’s why I can’t get a flu shot today!”

A heart full of wishes just holding on for it’s host

Hold on to hope now, it's all that's left at most

She let you down, down, down

She let you down again and again

You are perfect for practice, sweet, strong, and unassuming

And everyone’s worried; a little tension is growing

We see you fall, fall, fall

We see you fall faster than slow

Stronger than last year, you’re looking better for wear

It’s unfair and it’s dangerous for us to be going back there 

You need her gone, gone, gone

You need her gone away from here

Hear that bird lowly singing, and think it’s probably for you

Hear her hum that old tune, and you start feeling it’s true

I pull you close, close, close

I pull you close, and whisper "No"

Welcome Anytime

The rain is beating heavy

You swing on the front porch soaked

A little lonely you sit waiting as you watch the night put on a show

You think the best days are perfect

You watch them come and start to hope

But even the best days are no comfort when they end and you’re alone.

Lightning fills up the vacant sky

Like kindled sorrow fills your heart

Electricity choreographed with thunder and your beating heart just stops

This road keeps getting longer

Inconvenience you swear looks like a 59

But just like these Texas storms we weather you’re still welcome anytime