To Taylor Swift and Change, I am sorry

 April has been one of personal reflection. At the beginning of the month I wanted to end everyday with one thought and tweet it. Turns out reflecting on what that specific day has taught you, is easier said than done. One reason is if you want the thought to be real and honest and not sound manufactured, it requires you to be just that, honest. Sometimes being honest with others is hard because when we our honest with ourselves we don’t like what find. This dive into self-reflection has led me to realize that I need to concede two things.

My First is to Taylor Swift.

You are a beautiful and talented person. I have often over the last couple of years been very critical and unfairly biased to any mention of your name but I have come to realize that it was not you that I was uncomfortable with. It was myself. You sing of fairy tales, true love that last, and sugar and spice and people not nice. You are so girly and emotion filled. When I was younger I was told to “not wear my feelings on my shoulders” and through the years have developed a cynicism to things or people I deemed unrealistic, all the while harboring this girly girl person deep inside that still loves and cherishes The Little Mermaid and writes poetry about love and loss. How hypocritical and for what purpose? So I can seem more mature, realistic, or deep. Dumb. The only thing I am doing is missing out on good songs and replacing a spirit of innocence and aspiration with pride and superiority. You can be mature and deep and grown up and you can like happy endings and Taylor Swift. I know I do.

My Second is to Change.

Change and I quite frankly have had a love-hate relationship as of late. I get bored easily. I have a spirit of wanderlust and revelry, however, I also steer clear from changes I can’t control or thoroughly plan out. If the fog of change is too dense to see through to the endpoint, I dig my heels in and balk at the idea of walking through it. All the while with God putting both hands on my back and pushing me through as dirt builds up at my stubborn unmoving feet. I don’t know why I put up such a resistance when in the end I still end up on the other side of the change-fog and the only damage done is dirt residue and exhaustion from the struggle. Would it not be a lot easier to reach up and take God’s hand as he leads me through the fog? If the destination is the same, I would much rather arrive clean and at peace. 

             There are many more things the Lord has shown me as of late, but space and time restraints as well as discernment have led me to only share these two. And so here I am at the end of April with a couple of insights and self-realizations and wondering what’s next. Since I’m not sure, I think I’ll just jump in the car turn on some T-Swift and see where change takes me.

Grasshoppers

I have been a Hospice of the Pines intern for a little over a month and for the most part I have really loved the experience. I was certainly nervous at first, but I have seen the Lord so much while I have been there. Yesterday I had the opportunity to follow one of the Hospice chaplains around for the day. We went to the inpatient unit and spoke with some families and patients there and were able to pray with them. (I love praying with the clients and their families. Such a sweet time). We then decided to break for lunch and then come back for one final visit. The final visit was a home visit. The primary care giver was the patient’s daughter who was very friendly and very attentive to her ailing mother. As we sat down in the living area Brother Alex began conversing with the daughter and the patient and it was obvious that he had been to this home before and visited with them. We talked about the Lord and how the patient was doing and feeling and the conversation made a turn when the patient expressed that she sometimes worried and would get anxious. This is were I want to really start this blog because the story and the way Brother Alex spoke with this patient has really burned itself into my memory and heart. This is what happened. Brother Alex paused for a moment and then said this:

 “You know me and my younger son, we decided to go fishing the other day. So I was doing things around the house and he went to go get the equipment ready for fishing. And I kept asking him, ‘did you get this and did you remember that’. Every time the answer was ‘yes dad, of course dad’. So I said okay well let’s go and off we went. We arrived at the place where we normally fish and we got everything ready and I went to get the bait for our hooks and we couldn’t find the bait. We both looked all around and in the car and finally realized we had come fishing without bait. But I told my son that I had an idea. I told him that when I was young we would catch grasshoppers and use them for bait. Then my son asked me how we were going to find the grasshoppers because the grass was pretty high and while we could hear them we could not see them. I told him to watch me and I started walking through the grass dragging my feet and sweeping them across the ground. As I would do this, the grasshoppers would jump in the air. My son loved this and we caught probably around 50 grasshoppers for bait. We fished all afternoon and had a good time and as we were on the way home he was talking about fishing and everything he learned and so I asked him what the lesson was that he learned about the grasshoppers. He couldn’t figure out what lesson there was to be learned. He thought and he thought. So I asked him, ‘When were we able to catch the grasshoppers?’ He replied, ‘whenever they jumped to get away.’ So I said to my son ‘In Psalms the Lord says to be still and know that I Am, God. So in life when things start looking bad, or you find yourself in a scary situation, the best thing you can do is to be still and know that He is God, because sometimes in our efforts to flee the enemy, we jump right into his hands.”

He then turned to the patient and reminded her that God was always with her. That there is no challenge or fear that we have to run from, we need only be still and know that He is God. I was observing all day with the mind of a BSW student and it may seem silly but in that moment I was in awe of how God works through the abilities and the spirit of Brother Alex. The story was used to comfort and reassure the patient, but I found myself dwelling on that simple story and it’s illustration. It has certainly been a reminder that our fleshly instincts and desires are not what preserve us, but we are kept secure and safe in His hands and under His guidance through the Spirit.

To wrap it up I just want to say that I know life can be obnoxious and mean and awful sometimes. So if you find yourself dealing with this side of life right now and your finding it really hard to give thanks in all things, I would encourage you not to flee blindly from your troubles, and in such maybe flee right into the hands of a captor, but to be still and know that He is God. He is our very present help in times of trouble.