Oh December

There are times when I feel Your presence more prominently. Right now is one of those moments. As I lay here on the couch under the warmth of my blanket and the slow breathing of my precious red bow collared little dog my thoughts are meditating on You. I can hear muffled knocking at the apartment next door and deep down I wish the knocking was for me. The faded voices from the TV seep out from under my roommates door into the living room and I am reminded of the excitement she is feeling as she gets ready to go see the person she holds close to her heart. She has had this exciting buzz about her all afternoon in anticipation of being reunited with him. I remember that feeling. A Birds of Paradise candle fills the room with a sweet smell and the flickering of the flame is the only other light that accompanies the Christmas tree.  I love this time of year and I love the feeling of this room. It feels still. It feels warm. And while my heart wishes there were someone here with me I know that I am anything but alone. I can fully feel Your spirit. I can almost audibly hear You telling me “I know, I know” as my soul whispers the hurts of my heart. And as I cast these cares on You, I feel as though I am no longer on this couch in this dark room but I am curled up in Your lap resting in Your presence.  It is a safe place. This precious moment is not lost on me. I only wish that in these times I could press pause and make the moment last forever. That if it were possible I could highlight this paragraph in the story of my life so that one day when I need to be reminded of why I love You and how You have loved me I can flip back the pages in my mind easily and this night be seen in my heart.

You'll Be Found In Me

Come here little darling  

Let Me take your hand

Cause I can see you’re shaken

Can tell you don’t understand

Why this world has got you running

Trying to find a place to stand

And all the earth is shaking

As all was good goes bad

You got a lot to carry

And even more in mind to hold

But you can’t make it out from under

When you keep adding to the load

You lay out your heart

Entrusting all you have

But all the ones who should

Won’t return it back

They take the things you share

And put them to they side

To only pick them up

And use them in a fight

But don’t add on to that wall

We worked too hard to tear it down

These troubles are just fleeting

Just remember what you’ve found

Remember what remains

And what will always be

Take hope, keep heart, darling

You’ll be found in Me. 

Thanksgiving

There is this thing that people are doing on Facebook. Since November 1^st they have stated something they are thankful for each day. I haven’t participated in this, but I have plenty of things that I am thankful for. I guess since thankfulness can be such a personal thing and since such personal private matters I usually write about as opposed to generally just throwing them out there I have ended up here. A lot of the posts I have seen have been thankful for things or people or events. I too am thankful for these. Home, good friends, and nice things are all blessings from God that I was never promised and many times take for granted. Over the last couple of weeks when I see a posts of thankfulness I reflect myself on these things but also on what as a whole I am most thankful for.

Faith Hope & Love

Faith is a big mystery to me. It is stirred up from the Holy Spirit from some secret well of God’s goodness. Most the time I feel as though I am spinning my wheels trying to muster up some small seed of faith. Then out of nowhere, when I am exhausted from my own fruitless efforts, the Holy Spirit plants a seed of faith and waters it with the word of God. Sometimes as it grows I am stretched and pulled to my limits but I am thankful for the gift of faith. It truly is a gift from God. In all honesty I wish I had more. It is the cry of my heart right now to have more confidence in things hoped for and assurance of the things not yet seen.

Hope is defined as a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen. A person can have so many hopes and expectations. I find myself hoping for things all the time but this last year I realized it is not what you hope for but what you hope in that truly matters. All of the small little things we hope for mean and amount to nothing outside of our hope in Christ. All will pass away and return to dust but Christ defeated death and lives. I am thankful for a Savior that I can hope in and who stands when all else passes away.

Love. I hate to admit, since I spend so much time pretending to be unaffected, but I really am a hopeless romantic. I love reading Jane Austen and hearing stories of expressions of love, but these are just cheap imitations of love. He continually reminds me that He is love and that my desire should be for Him and no imitation.  I am so thankful for a love that died on a tree, for a love that calls and restores. I am so very thankful for a love undeserved and unmerited and I wish I could and would relay it to more people.  In a world that puts so much emphasis on romantic love and expressions of love, it can be sometimes confusing trying to figure out what love really is or what it looks like. Love looks like Christ with the woman at the well, like Christ as he healed the sick and dying, like Christ as he prayed for those persecuting him, and like Christ as he died on a cross. I am so thankful for this great love.

I don’t even think my words here, as honest and open a I try to be, can really show my heart’s gratefulness for all God has done. We go through seasons in our lives and with each season God is sufficient to supply our every need. This year God has continually had to remind me of what I have when all else fades away. The verses that rang true on pages now play in my heart in a new way.  I am thankful for those that will remain: faith, hope, and love. 

Hope

      I don’t think it is any coincidence that sometimes our expectations far exceed the actual result. Think about it. How many times have you been sitting in a theatre, popcorn in lap, drink in holder, lights dimmed, as you patiently sit through previews. You are just about ready to stand up and scream, “where is my movie!!”, when a preview captivates your attention and suddenly you are adding it to your “I can’t wait to see that list”.  You go home to Google or YouTube additional extended previews to the new movie. You read any articles that cross your path about it and then as soon as you know the release date you are making plans to see it. The day finally arrives but as the movie ends you realize that the hype has just been pin pricked with reality and it is quickly deflating into disappointment. We suddenly realize the great movie we had hoped and spent almost ten dollars to see was in reality not even good enough to shell out a dollar for at Redbox. The initial hope of anything is what drives us and motivates us. Without the hope of something great we just idly coast through life never really pursuing. We are alive but we are not living. We are functioning but not thriving. The thing about hope is that it isn’t always fulfilled and sometimes the disappointment of that can lead us to give up hoping altogether. We decide that if we don’t hope for anything then we won’t be disappointed when it doesn’t happen. If our hope is placed fully in Christ and he is our filter for where and what our hope motivates us to pursue, I fully believe that the disappointments we face will not deter us from hope but cause us to cling to it. When this happens I think the focus shifts from the landing to the leap. Our success isn’t defined by the destination but the purpose behind the journey. It isn’t so much about if we land on our feet or our face, but that we took the leap to begin with. That we trusted not ourselves but Christ to direct us in our leap of adventure, and if for some reason our timing was off or our speed not enough to reach our safe landing He was there to pick us up and dust us off. I think it’s okay to hope and dream big. It’s also okay to be let down just don’t let it keep you from hoping, moving, and living. Your heart will never beat faster standing still than when you’re taking the leap. 

Wilderness

                  Yesterday I borrowed a book from my work friend Abby. It is the follow up novel to a novel I read awhile back. Inside was a piece of paper used as a book mark with a quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson that said “Beware what you set your heart upon, for it surely shall be yours”. Much like the old adage “be careful what you wish for”, Emerson’s statement is a warning to all to be completely sure of what you are asking for.

                  After reading this many memories came back to things that I wished, prayed, or hoped for in certain situations. I remember being completely enamored by a certain boy in seventh grade. After numerous rumors of our mutual affection we were finally brought together by a middle school dance. We danced every slow dance that night together and I was sure (as were my friends) that we would be an item. Needless to say it never happened and I pondered why, for a time much too long, until he moved schools and my thoughts moved elsewhere. I also remembered at one point in life I had my heart set on becoming a famous actress a la Julia Roberts. I loved loved loved her and wanted to be like her. I used to tell people that one day they would see me on TV. I even imagined that I might possibly get my start on Mickey Mouse Club or a sitcom like Saved by the Bell or California Dreams. (10 points for anyone that remembers that show)

                  There were many more memories of things my heart longed for but the common thread in all is that my heart and my mind changed and whatever dream I had faded. I would like to take credit and say that by my own understanding I realized what was best and moved away from these ideas but really what I think happened was gentle shepherding on the part of my Savior whose understanding is so much greater. Sort of like a sheep who in their limited understanding wonder from the fold into danger because something has caught their eye I was wondering to the wrong people and places. What I also remember about these times is that in the process of change I moved into sort of a wilderness. I was wondering lost and looking for my promise land, my answer, and my peace. I couldn’t go back to my old wants and desires because they no longer satisfied but I couldn’t quite figure out where I was supposed to be going either.

                  My understanding of what was best then could have and most likely would have led me to a place far from Christ. Our understanding is limited and uninformed at best. At worst, if we choose to lean fully on it, very dangerous and fully capable to taking us to places, people, and things that look nice on the outside but are not for our ultimate good. In the wilderness it’s easy to access your situation and how you got there in order to form a plan to get yourself out, but it’s better to wait for your shepherd to steer you back in the right direction. Even in my own life now there are times I want to take the reins and find my own way out and when I do choose this way I do nothing but move from one side of the wilderness to the other no closer to the promise land than when I began. If what Emerson said is true and what we set our heart upon we will obtain we most certainly want to set it upon what is steadfast, true, and good. Our own understanding can be swayed, misguided, and fooled but if we lean not on our own understanding but on His and wait for his direction and guidance we will most certainly not only find our way out of the wilderness but into the promise land, into where we are suppose to be. 

We were meant to live for so much more.

What if your every dream came true and all you wanted in life was given to you? If you wanted to be musician you were the most known, respected, and loved artist? If you wanted to be a world-class athlete you woke up tomorrow and you were that person? Why is it that many times we feel like we have to choose between Christ and our dreams? Today in one of my social work classes my teacher used the last 15 minutes of class to show a video about Albert Pujols. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yB4lHAEsSyo0) He is a renowned baseball player and many agree a definite future hall of famer. He came from nothing to being one of the most acclaimed players. He has money, relative fame, and his dream of being a professional baseball player. Yet even with all this he lives in a way to pursue his true purpose of glorifying God. The following is a link to an article written about Pujols and his faith. http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-religion/2455892/posts  I was so interested to see someone truly use there gifts not just for self gratification and their own glory but to do work for God’s kingdom. God doesn’t ask us to give up our passions, talents, and gifts. He is the one who has given them! He has called us to use those passions, talents, and gifts for his glory. I thought about that video for the rest of my day and about how unique and individually gifted we all are. We can chase our own dreams for our own glory and we will see our star shine for a fleeting moment, but I believe our talents are seen at they’re brightest and most full potential when they are used to exalt Christ. I hope you take the time to watch the video, read the article, or both. In writing this blog I hope that it doesn’t shine a light on Pujols as much as it encourages you in whatever pursuit you’re making to glorify Christ in and with those pursuits. 

being pursued and not by the police

It is a strange thing to find your self followed. Most people would not welcome the idea and relate the term pursued to a high-speed police chase. God, however, makes being pursued feel like the surest sign of love.

This past week as I trudged through my school to work routine I struggled through my walk with the Lord knowing that while I was doing all that needed to be done (praying, reading, thinking on Him) my spirit was still downcast and weary. I felt like my conversations were one sided. Have you ever seen a couple out to dinner and the girl is talking and from a far she seems earnest in whatever ever she is telling, but as you glance at her partner he is far less interested in listening to her than playing on his cell phone or inhaling his food? (I know the situation goes both ways but for all intensive purposes) I hate to admit it but this is how, in my heart, I felt like my conversation with the Lord was going this past week. I felt like I was earnestly seeking him out with important matters as he passively listened.

My week flowed into the weekend seamlessly and through fellowship with friends I found my soul feeling a bit lighter, but as I laid myself down Saturday night whatever was anchoring me was still there. Sunday morning dawned and I received, bringing me out of my slumber, two what I assume to have been mass text messages from our Youth/College minister with a reminder about a new Young Adult Sunday School class. I think I must have rolled my eyes mentally before I closed my lids as I stayed in bed and weighed my options.  I ultimately decided to drag myself up and attend the class not so much out of excitement or curiosity for the class as much as just to be able to say I went. I seriously, even if I hate to admit it now, was thinking I would go a couple times and it would be okay and then slowly I could return to my pattern of just attending worship services.  

I arrived to the class and through the first bit I was still skeptical, but something happened and I am not even sure when it started. I don’t know if it was after hearing our teacher speak of her own walk or through reading the first set of scriptures out of a one year Bible. All I know is I started to feel heard. One of the passages was from Isaiah and it read:

“Remember these things,

O Jacob, and Israel, for you are my servant;

 I formed you; you are my servant;

 O Israel, you will not be forgotten by me.”

I felt myself tearing up as our teacher talked about her candidness with God and I realized that through the past week as I felt forgotten and ignored I not once went to God with how I was feeling. I instead put on my smile and while the Holy Spirit nudged me with questions of “what is wrong” I staunchly replied with a stale “nothing”. I was taking everything to the Lord except my heart because I had forgotten that where I see no way He makes  a way. I wanted answers and He just called me to have faith and trust in Him. I was mistaking his silence as indifference and in my misunderstanding I was bracing myself to be let down.  

           I was not let down but instead reminded of my foundation. (Isaiah 44:24) He reminded me of who He is and who I am not. (Isaiah 45:9) He knows the way and I am not called to know the way but to walk it in faith. I thought I had my mind made up about the new class and new teacher. God had other plans and instead revealed to me my heart and opened my eyes to see what I believe is a class and teacher I can relate to purposely placed in my life. In the process of revealing to me all these things I was and am still astounded with His love for me. His patience in pursuing my heart each and every time I throw up my guard bewilders me. He is committed to pursuing me not because of anything I have done, but because of who He is. Faithful. His pursuit assures me that I am not forgotten, but I am undoubtedly His.

You Feel This Way

I am tired of waiting here

I can’t move until it’s clear

I know you’re gonna find me

I know you’re gonna find me

It’s all about our timing

And I know our time is near

Bada dada da   da   da  

I don’t want to change too fast

I don't want to be put last 

Won’t let you go on falling

Won’t let you go on falling

I get kind of worried

My heart is looking at the past

Bada dada da   da   da

With you is where I want to be

Don’t know what to look for

Sitting on the front porch watching the seasons change

Haven’t got the first clue

How you're get through when you feel this way

You feel this way you feel this way you feel this way

You feel this way bada dada da da da da da da da da da

I can tell you anything

I get you and you get me

It’s always just so easy

It’s always just so easy

I’m myself completely

I have never felt so free

Bada dada da   da   da

With you is where I want to be

Don’t know what to look for

Sitting on the front porch watching the seasons change

Haven’t got the first clue

How you're gonna get through when you feel this way

You feel this way you feel this way you feel this way

You feel this way bada dada da da da da da da da da da