Anything Could Happen

I remember the year my mom and her two sisters began comprising this collection of writings of my Aunt Karen’s that they had found years ago after she died. They were organizing, printing, and binding them all together so that my grandma would have them. As they were compiling this little collection of writings I remember reading some of them and imagining what life was like for her. I had never heard her voice or seen her in person but through her writing I felt like I knew her.

Around the age of 7 or 8 I began to write poems. For me writing was deeply personal and a way to allow myself to be vulnerable and like my Aunt I would hide them away and not show anyone. I didn’t think that neither I nor anyone else would benefit from sharing my work. Most of those first poems were either thrown away or lost, but I kept writing through high school.

In college, as I was trying to figure out who I was and what I was about, Jesus captivated my heart. It wasn’t an overnight experience. It was years and years of Him faithfully holding my hand. I had long professed His name, but I don’t think it was until college that I really loved Him. As I learned to let Him love me, I started to learn how to love who He created me to be. I also started learning how to use the gifts He had given me despite my insecurities and fears. “Perfect love casts out fear” and His perfect love enabled me to let go of my worries, allow myself to be vulnerable, and share my work with others. I started sharing my work with friends, and then started posting some as Facebook notes, and then I decided to start a blog. These may seem like small inconsequential steps but I’m so thankful for them and for Him leading me a little at a time. Stretching me out of my comfort zone and holding me securely as I move forward. God is good.

A year ago I took another small step and submitted some of my work for a local magazine and into a national contest. I never really heard back from the magazine and in October I was notified that my work hadn’t been chosen in the contest and I was pretty discouraged. The enemy really pressed me and I struggled this last fall to write.

Over the holiday break I was inspired to write a children’s book based on two of my friends. I thought to myself, “if I could really do this for a living it would be a dream”. I was hesitant to start and was fighting doubt, but I felt the love and encouragement of the Holy Spirit.  I was reminded that what I do doesn’t define me but who I belong to does. And all the pressure was lifted. I wrote the children’s book and I love it.

About two weeks ago I received an email from the magazine I had submitted some of my work to almost a year ago. They were notifying me that they wanted to use ‘Arise, My Love’ for their upcoming issue coming out tomorrow! I am so excited! The thought of my writing being published is something I never would have thought could happen at the age of 8, but I’m starting to believe that “anything could happen”. (Shout out Dala!!!)

I am also excited that they chose ‘Arise, My Love’ because it is based on one of my favorite passages in Song of Solomon chapter 2:

My beloved speaks and says to me:

“Arise, my love, my beautiful one,

and come away,

for behold, the winter is past;

the rain is over and gone.

        (Song of Solomon 2:10-11 ESV)

The Lord has been so good to me and I am so thankful for Him pursuing me. For Him pushing me to trust Him and for Him reminding me constantly of His love and faithfulness. I am thankful to my friends and family who are so supportive and encourage me when I’m doubtful. And I am thankful for my Aunt Karen who never knew me, but has inspired me and influenced me to pursue something deeper than shallow water both in my life and in my writing. 

Wishing Well

Pick yourself up out of that wishing well
If you want something done you have to do it yourself
Pennies are worthless all watered down
But being rich itself is not really wealth

Wading further down and all you really get
Is a little deeper and a whole lot wet
You're digging to find treasure like gold
But what you really want this pool doesn't hold

You won't find the things that make you shine
In shallow pools of nickels and dimes
Listen for what really calls you back home
The sweet little song that's always been your own

Don't forget the ones that first loved you
Your mama and daddy and Jesus too
The ones from before that truly care
They'll be the ones that will stick around

The new and the shiny are deceptive and fast
But the known and true will do you the best
What is pretty right now will soon be old
The tried is to be trusted, so I've been told

It's a hard lesson learned it's a small test
Finding your dreams and keeping yourself
Don't get all you want at the cost of all you have
And always remember where you started at

Penny Lane

Oh Penny Lane, Your hearts been stole away

By a road that calls You home  

You see the best in all things

You love and You love well, but in time all Your own

And at the end of the day, Oh Penny Lane You’re all alone

Winter gives way to Spring

Spring escorts the Sun

Safe inside this bus we hide

And time she dances on

Life stands still for no one

Like the wheels that turn below

Both inside and out; destination still unknown

Oh Penny Lane, Your hearts been stole away

By a road that calls You home  

You see the best in all things

You love and You love well, but in time all Your own

And at the end of the day, Oh Penny Lane You’re all alone

Look and see Yourself

The way that others see

Your spirit, Your soul, Your light

Your hearts own melody

Every desire every need

Every part of who You are

Was created for more than what You settle for

Oh Penny Lane, Your hearts been stole away

By a road that calls You home  

You see the best in all things

You love and You love well, by no choice of your own 

And at the end of the day You’ll see You never were alone.  

The Struggle

My God has blessed me with some friends who really know my heart well. We in many ways are kindred spirits. So it comes as no surprise to me that when I decided to start calling the moments in my life, where I suddenly long for a love of my own, “The Struggle” one of my very best friends immediately agreed and knew exactly what I meant.

While The Struggle seems so personal and unique to me in my heart, I know that at my age and amongst my friends it is certainly not quarantined to one person. It is more of an epidemic that has greatly infected our age bracket. I don’t commonly share these thoughts and feelings to everyone. In fact, if this were in person I would fumble for words and dodge the issue out of insecurity or embarrassment. But this needs to be said because we are all walking around ill just waiting for the destructive moment in which our ailment will be brought to light. The moment where we will hurt others or ourselves out of desire to fill a need. (Walking Dead reference: Everyone is infected and one fatal mistake will reveal outwardly what has been within us this whole time)

The Struggle affects our mind, body, and soul and the pressure to immediately fill the need will cause us many times to make poor choices and settle for being treated far less than what God wants for us. We feel the pinprick in our soul for intimacy and we settle for the physical or we fail to guard our hearts. We feel the pinprick in our mind to be heard and known and we talk about each other and ourselves with no filter, no love, and with no discretion. We feel the pinprick on our skin to be touched and to just feel another person and we use each other or allow ourselves to be used.

            Most of us are just trying to survive and we all attack The Struggle differently. Some of us face The Struggle alone. We don’t talk about it and we may even pretend it’s not there as we jump around from person to person or use our friends to fill the voids in our heart. Some of us are so consumed by The Struggle that our focus cannot be shifted to Gods plan, people, or purpose. We have tunnel vision, but knowing the greater purpose and life beyond the tunnel would be far more satisfying. And then some of us travel in packs. We face the struggle together trying to help, protect, and guard each other but sometimes this leads to a dependence on the created rather than the creator.

            For me The Struggle comes and it goes. I feel it rising inside of me and I have to brace myself and remind myself who God is to me, in me, and through me. What He has done and what He will do. That He is sufficient and He is satisfying. I try to completely cover myself in who Jesus is and submerse myself into His deep love. He is the source and if I want love I want the source of love. I do not want to settle for something or someone whose love does not lead me back to Jesus. And in the moments that I choose something other than the above I put the full weight of my expectations and needs on the people around me. People who were not made to and who cannot carry that load. The only comfort and support to be found in The Struggle is in Jesus. The One who has overcome. The God we were created for and the only Love that will fully satisfy. 

            I am thankful for a Savior that in every way was tempted and tried and had victory over it all. In this I am reminded that there is hope and victory in Jesus. He has overcome. He is before all things and to Him are all things.

            Let me leave you with this. I know that winter is coming and with it the blues and the longing for someone to spend the upcoming special holidays with. But guard your heart and your mind so that you will not be hurt or hurt anyone else. After all the kind of love your heart is really longing for is freely given by a beautiful and relentless God. Song of Solomon 8:6-7 says,

“Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm, for love is strong as death, jealousy is fierce as the grave. Its flashes are flashes of fire, the very flame of the LORD. Many waters cannot quench love, neither can floods drown it. If a man offered for love all the wealth of his house, he would be utterly despised.”

I Will Love You Then

When the hollow is alone

When dust to dust derives from bone

When sparrows sing familiar songs

I will love You then.

When willows weep openly

When long and lost finally meet

When being known is bittersweet

I will love You then

When greater fears are given life

When greater joy is birthed from strife

When a trusted tongue bares a lie

I will love You then

When tears and pain finally cease

When haste is called but listens least

When youthful hearts refuse to beat

I will love You then

When sleep comes to take away

When wearily the last pipers paid

When all that is promised is today

I will love You then