being pursued and not by the police

It is a strange thing to find your self followed. Most people would not welcome the idea and relate the term pursued to a high-speed police chase. God, however, makes being pursued feel like the surest sign of love.

This past week as I trudged through my school to work routine I struggled through my walk with the Lord knowing that while I was doing all that needed to be done (praying, reading, thinking on Him) my spirit was still downcast and weary. I felt like my conversations were one sided. Have you ever seen a couple out to dinner and the girl is talking and from a far she seems earnest in whatever ever she is telling, but as you glance at her partner he is far less interested in listening to her than playing on his cell phone or inhaling his food? (I know the situation goes both ways but for all intensive purposes) I hate to admit it but this is how, in my heart, I felt like my conversation with the Lord was going this past week. I felt like I was earnestly seeking him out with important matters as he passively listened.

My week flowed into the weekend seamlessly and through fellowship with friends I found my soul feeling a bit lighter, but as I laid myself down Saturday night whatever was anchoring me was still there. Sunday morning dawned and I received, bringing me out of my slumber, two what I assume to have been mass text messages from our Youth/College minister with a reminder about a new Young Adult Sunday School class. I think I must have rolled my eyes mentally before I closed my lids as I stayed in bed and weighed my options.  I ultimately decided to drag myself up and attend the class not so much out of excitement or curiosity for the class as much as just to be able to say I went. I seriously, even if I hate to admit it now, was thinking I would go a couple times and it would be okay and then slowly I could return to my pattern of just attending worship services.  

I arrived to the class and through the first bit I was still skeptical, but something happened and I am not even sure when it started. I don’t know if it was after hearing our teacher speak of her own walk or through reading the first set of scriptures out of a one year Bible. All I know is I started to feel heard. One of the passages was from Isaiah and it read:

“Remember these things,

O Jacob, and Israel, for you are my servant;

 I formed you; you are my servant;

 O Israel, you will not be forgotten by me.”

I felt myself tearing up as our teacher talked about her candidness with God and I realized that through the past week as I felt forgotten and ignored I not once went to God with how I was feeling. I instead put on my smile and while the Holy Spirit nudged me with questions of “what is wrong” I staunchly replied with a stale “nothing”. I was taking everything to the Lord except my heart because I had forgotten that where I see no way He makes  a way. I wanted answers and He just called me to have faith and trust in Him. I was mistaking his silence as indifference and in my misunderstanding I was bracing myself to be let down.  

           I was not let down but instead reminded of my foundation. (Isaiah 44:24) He reminded me of who He is and who I am not. (Isaiah 45:9) He knows the way and I am not called to know the way but to walk it in faith. I thought I had my mind made up about the new class and new teacher. God had other plans and instead revealed to me my heart and opened my eyes to see what I believe is a class and teacher I can relate to purposely placed in my life. In the process of revealing to me all these things I was and am still astounded with His love for me. His patience in pursuing my heart each and every time I throw up my guard bewilders me. He is committed to pursuing me not because of anything I have done, but because of who He is. Faithful. His pursuit assures me that I am not forgotten, but I am undoubtedly His.

You Feel This Way

I am tired of waiting here

I can’t move until it’s clear

I know you’re gonna find me

I know you’re gonna find me

It’s all about our timing

And I know our time is near

Bada dada da   da   da  

I don’t want to change too fast

I don't want to be put last 

Won’t let you go on falling

Won’t let you go on falling

I get kind of worried

My heart is looking at the past

Bada dada da   da   da

With you is where I want to be

Don’t know what to look for

Sitting on the front porch watching the seasons change

Haven’t got the first clue

How you're get through when you feel this way

You feel this way you feel this way you feel this way

You feel this way bada dada da da da da da da da da da

I can tell you anything

I get you and you get me

It’s always just so easy

It’s always just so easy

I’m myself completely

I have never felt so free

Bada dada da   da   da

With you is where I want to be

Don’t know what to look for

Sitting on the front porch watching the seasons change

Haven’t got the first clue

How you're gonna get through when you feel this way

You feel this way you feel this way you feel this way

You feel this way bada dada da da da da da da da da da

A Lot of Gray

I remember I remember a while ago

You asked and I answered I don’t know

If I could I’d bring those words back home

Swallow my pride go back that night

And I’d let you know

I want to let go

But I’m holding on for you.

Colors have their various shades

Love isn’t suppose to be that way

Black or white yes or no

I know that’s what everyone will say

But from where I’m standing

I see a lot of gray

Twenty years twenty years is so long

One heart closed and one heart exposed

Both tied, and of one mind, neither had chose

If they finally figure out what it’s all about

They’d let you know

I want to hold on

But I’m letting go for you.

Colors have their various shades

Love isn’t suppose to be that way

Black or white yes or no

I know that’s what everyone will say

But from where I’m standing

I see a lot of gray

writer's block and other assorted thoughts.

I have writer’s block and it’s driving me crazy. I feel like a musician with a broken instrument. I’ve heard that the only way around writer’s block is to just write anyways. The problem with that is I always start and then it ends up crumpled on the floor … or more specifically backspaced into oblivion. I find that in times of unrest is when I get writer’s block the most and my life has been in a state of unrest. The winds of change are here and I’m not so sure I am ready for all of it. What I do know is Christ has worked through the unrest to show me peace. He is my rock as the floodwaters rise. He has also showed me a lot about who I am and who I am not. And with that I would just like to share my heart and where it stands.

For one: I am His. --- I feel a great comfort in knowing that if all else fails, if all my relationships cease to be I am still His. That is a constant truth that no power of hell or man can take from me. I am so thankful for this promise.

Second: I will always fail if I try to be anyone else but myself --- God has equipped me with the ability and talents to accomplish the tasks he has assigned me for His glory. It is not at all about what I can do but it is most definitely about who God is.

If I lust and covet in my heart gifts or talents that aren’t mine I am ultimately turning my nose up to the one’s He has already given me. By the grace of God I am what I am. --- and I am learning to be so glad for that

I could go on but Third and last: People are only people --- I find that it is easy to look at a brother or sister in Christ and see them do harm or wrong us and become angry because “they should know better”. The problem is that we forget that just as we were saved by grace through faith so was that other person. They too are fallible just as we are fallible. Just because we cannot see the cracks in the cistern does not mean they’re not there. If we are foolish enough to try and pour everything we are into another person, a broken cistern, we will be doing so in vain. Only Christ can hold the weight. We should pour everything we are in Christ and remember His blood covers not only our sins but also the sins of our brothers and sisters.

As I look at the changes that await me I feel like He has prepared me for what is to come. I hope that these truths will not simply be recognized without being applied accordingly in my life and that through their application He would receive praise and glory. I know that without the unrest I would not appreciate His peace as much as I do now. Which brings me back to writer’s block. I am thankful for it too. Even though it drives me crazy it reminds me that this is not who I am but what I do. To be grateful and mindful at the same time that it is only a tool  by which God speaks and if I am not listening to Him first then I ultimately have very little to say. 

Our Circle Will Be Unbroken

Our circle will be unbroken

Two ends lost will finally meet

And we’ll hold on to the arch till

By grace joined we’ll be

We’ll be joined by grace we’ll be

The living and the dying

Both tread to stay afloat

Each to their own side they cling to

What they knew and what they’ve known

The sun rises just to fall down

And breath watches the grave

For the time when it can lay down

Be at peace and slow it’s pace

Our circle will be unbroken

Two ends lost will finally meet

And we’ll hold on to the arch till

By grace joined we’ll be

We’ll be joined by grace we’ll be

The sky’s set to roll back

A time of gathering has come

You on your side by me and my side

No more sea to part our shores

Our circle will be unbroken

Two ends lost will finally meet

And we’ll hold on to the arch till

By grace joined we’ll be

We’ll be joined by grace we’ll be