A Lot of Gray

I remember I remember a while ago

You asked and I answered I don’t know

If I could I’d bring those words back home

Swallow my pride go back that night

And I’d let you know

I want to let go

But I’m holding on for you.

Colors have their various shades

Love isn’t suppose to be that way

Black or white yes or no

I know that’s what everyone will say

But from where I’m standing

I see a lot of gray

Twenty years twenty years is so long

One heart closed and one heart exposed

Both tied, and of one mind, neither had chose

If they finally figure out what it’s all about

They’d let you know

I want to hold on

But I’m letting go for you.

Colors have their various shades

Love isn’t suppose to be that way

Black or white yes or no

I know that’s what everyone will say

But from where I’m standing

I see a lot of gray

writer's block and other assorted thoughts.

I have writer’s block and it’s driving me crazy. I feel like a musician with a broken instrument. I’ve heard that the only way around writer’s block is to just write anyways. The problem with that is I always start and then it ends up crumpled on the floor … or more specifically backspaced into oblivion. I find that in times of unrest is when I get writer’s block the most and my life has been in a state of unrest. The winds of change are here and I’m not so sure I am ready for all of it. What I do know is Christ has worked through the unrest to show me peace. He is my rock as the floodwaters rise. He has also showed me a lot about who I am and who I am not. And with that I would just like to share my heart and where it stands.

For one: I am His. --- I feel a great comfort in knowing that if all else fails, if all my relationships cease to be I am still His. That is a constant truth that no power of hell or man can take from me. I am so thankful for this promise.

Second: I will always fail if I try to be anyone else but myself --- God has equipped me with the ability and talents to accomplish the tasks he has assigned me for His glory. It is not at all about what I can do but it is most definitely about who God is.

If I lust and covet in my heart gifts or talents that aren’t mine I am ultimately turning my nose up to the one’s He has already given me. By the grace of God I am what I am. --- and I am learning to be so glad for that

I could go on but Third and last: People are only people --- I find that it is easy to look at a brother or sister in Christ and see them do harm or wrong us and become angry because “they should know better”. The problem is that we forget that just as we were saved by grace through faith so was that other person. They too are fallible just as we are fallible. Just because we cannot see the cracks in the cistern does not mean they’re not there. If we are foolish enough to try and pour everything we are into another person, a broken cistern, we will be doing so in vain. Only Christ can hold the weight. We should pour everything we are in Christ and remember His blood covers not only our sins but also the sins of our brothers and sisters.

As I look at the changes that await me I feel like He has prepared me for what is to come. I hope that these truths will not simply be recognized without being applied accordingly in my life and that through their application He would receive praise and glory. I know that without the unrest I would not appreciate His peace as much as I do now. Which brings me back to writer’s block. I am thankful for it too. Even though it drives me crazy it reminds me that this is not who I am but what I do. To be grateful and mindful at the same time that it is only a tool  by which God speaks and if I am not listening to Him first then I ultimately have very little to say. 

Our Circle Will Be Unbroken

Our circle will be unbroken

Two ends lost will finally meet

And we’ll hold on to the arch till

By grace joined we’ll be

We’ll be joined by grace we’ll be

The living and the dying

Both tread to stay afloat

Each to their own side they cling to

What they knew and what they’ve known

The sun rises just to fall down

And breath watches the grave

For the time when it can lay down

Be at peace and slow it’s pace

Our circle will be unbroken

Two ends lost will finally meet

And we’ll hold on to the arch till

By grace joined we’ll be

We’ll be joined by grace we’ll be

The sky’s set to roll back

A time of gathering has come

You on your side by me and my side

No more sea to part our shores

Our circle will be unbroken

Two ends lost will finally meet

And we’ll hold on to the arch till

By grace joined we’ll be

We’ll be joined by grace we’ll be

The Enemy

                 In a week I will be bound for South America on a mission to touch lives for Christ. This will be my 3^rd trip to Ecuador and I am more than excited to go back and see familiar faces, make new friends, and love people in His name. The previous two trips have had their ups and downs. It seems like both years I was unfortunate enough to get sick but was also blessed to serve and have revealed to me a lifestyle other than my own. This is very humbling. It’s funny that when you get out of your own little world to step into another’s how you start to realize there is a common thread in our humanity; we are all united in the flesh with hearts searching for Love. The reuniting with our first love, our creator, really is the deep cry of every person’s heart. Some will recognize it and run towards the Savior. Other’s will ignore it, will stifle it in lesser gods, or seek to find the answer in their own selves. In this common bond is beauty because some will be reconciled to the King and tragedy because many will not.

                My first year, I did not know any of this. I was just getting over the anxiety and worries of traveling and traveling to a foreign place. My second year I was a lot less nervous but looking on it now I realize the enemy’s handiwork in distracting my mind and my heart. That brings me to this year. A wise, (and wonderful woman of God) once told me that when we are in the will of God the devil seeks us out to wage war on our heart and mind. I am certain that in previous years he has tried to derail me, but this year seems to take the cake. I believe if it wasn’t for God’s word that warns us of his the enemy’s “prowling” and his plans to “kill, steal, and destroy”, my previous experience in seeing God’s promises revealed, and the wise words of a friend I wouldn’t know up from down right now let alone have mind for the mission ahead. By knowing where this attack comes from and recognizing it as an effort to potentially disrupt my effectiveness for Christ  has made me not cower in the face of my circumstances, but fight all the more to have joy in saying “it is well with my soul” as the trials come.

                I say all of this to say …. Protect your heart and mind. There is so much that God wants to reveal to us and through us. Do not take your eye off the Lord. If troubles arise and if trials come, keep sight of the one who can carry you through it all. If you are going to Ecuador, if you are going on any mission trip, if you are in your everyday life living intentionally to make Christ known and bring God glory do not neglect to forget that there is an enemy. And you who are earnestly seeking God’s glory will be his main target. Yes, there is an enemy but there is also victory in Jesus. By preparation through God’s word, prayer, and being sensitive to the Holy Spirit we can walk through every trial, distraction, and attempt to steal our joy, mind, and heart for what we are really here to do. And we can be sure that God is faithful and promises like that of Psalm 34:18-19 (The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all) can be firmly stood upon.

Stay Until the Night Draws Nigh

Stay until the night draws nigh

Stay in place of ties that bind

My heart alone I cannot change

Shackled to my flesh in chains

I bear them and their loathsome weight

Ill-equipped to find my way

Filling holes and empty space

With all except Your full grace

My works and efforts all for naught

My righteousness by You bought

 You’re faithful call draws me near

I find no reason or cause to fear

“Dear child, come find rest in me”

And out reach arms that hold gently

My advocate, adoring King

Saving one, I’m Yours wholly

In the future I’m sure will come

Trouble days but victory won

Victory, secure and in You set

No sweeter friend have I met

Stay until night draws nigh

This heart is yours no longer mine.